"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Schitt
Our Lager
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
For ever and ever.
BARMEN
Symptom: Beer Unusually Pale And Tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get Someone To Buy You Another Beer.
Symptom: Opposite Wall Covered With Fluorescent Lights.
Fault: You Have Fallen Over Backward.
Action: Have Yourself Lashed To Bar.
Symptom: Mouth Contains Cigarette Butts.
Fault: You Have Fallen Forward.
Action: See Above.
Symptom: Beer Tasteless, Front Of Your Shirt Is Wet.
Fault: Mouth Not Open, Or Glass Applied To Wrong Part Of Face.
Action: Retire To Restroom, Practice In Mirror.
Symptom: Feet Cold And Wet.
Fault: Glass Being Held At Incorrect Angle.
Action: Rotate Glass So That Open End Points Toward Ceiling.
Symptom: Feet Warm And Wet.
Fault: Improper Bladder Control.
Action: Stand Next To Nearest Dog, Complain About Her House Training.
Symptom: Floor Blurred.
Fault: You Are Looking Through Bottom Of Empty Glass.
Action: Get Someone To Buy You Another Beer.
Symptom: Floor Moving.
Fault: You Are Being Carried Out.
Action: Find Out If You Are Being Taken To Another Bar.
Symptom: Room Seems Unusually Dark.
Fault: Bar Has Closed.
Action: Confirm Home Address With Bartender.
Symptom: Taxi Suddenly Takes On Colourful Aspect And Textures.
Fault: Beer Consumption Has Exceeded Personal Limitations.
Action: Cover Mouth